4 New Year's Resolutions You Can't Possibly Screw Up This Year

2016 has been a fetid, soggy diaper bag of a year. A few neat things have happened, but on the whole, the past twelve months have been a non-stop avalanche of political turmoil, neo-Nazis, fake news and the tragic, sudden death of every celebrity you loved.

Goddammit, 2016.

But for those of us who weren't unjustly stolen from the world on trans-Atlantic flights, 2017 is here, and holy shit, do we need it to be a good year. Even though a racist Jack o' Lantern will be taking office in twenty days, everyone on my various social media pages is determined to grab 2017 by the balls and turn this shit around, goddammit. And there's no better way to do that than with some solid New Year's resolutions.

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How to Write the Perfect Cover Letter

I suck at cover letters.

There are several things in life that I am terrible at, and "writing cover letters" is up there, nestled snugly in between "pole dancing" and "seductive horse whispering". On this blog, I write like the jaded, sassy roommate you had in college who smoked clove cigarettes and spent a whole lot of time reading underground blogs about the 'man'. The moment I'm asked to produce a cover letter, however, I turn into a sad, garbled robot, capable only of spitting out mangled chunks of text that list my former jobs and generously overuse the term "excellent time management". The fact that I've ever been hired without holding an employer at gunpoint is as baffling as it is miraculous.

"Yes, you may contact my previous employer."

Unfortunately for me and all potential employers in my area, the time has come for me to find my first real, adult job while I save up money for graduate school, and I've been forced to hone my sad cover letter skills in a hurry. I've learned a lot from the job hunting process, and I'd like to use my newfound cover letter expertise to help my lovely blog readers. So if you're struggling to find a job and you want to upgrade to a sure-fire cover letter, pay careful attention to:

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