4 New Year's Resolutions You Can't Possibly Screw Up This Year

2016 has been a fetid, soggy diaper bag of a year. A few neat things have happened, but on the whole, the past twelve months have been a non-stop avalanche of political turmoil, neo-Nazis, fake news and the tragic, sudden death of every celebrity you loved.

Goddammit, 2016.

But for those of us who weren't unjustly stolen from the world on trans-Atlantic flights, 2017 is here, and holy shit, do we need it to be a good year. Even though a racist Jack o' Lantern will be taking office in twenty days, everyone on my various social media pages is determined to grab 2017 by the balls and turn this shit around, goddammit. And there's no better way to do that than with some solid New Year's resolutions.

0

Four New Year's Resolutions You Might Actually Keep in 2016

Well, it's that time of year again, and this time we're staring down the barrel of the year 2016. To all of you future space-people reading this thousands of years from now, yes, we do have hoverboards in 2015 and they are exceptionally stupid.

Also, they don't even hover.

The start of the New Year is traditionally the time of year when everyone is expected to make meaningless, empty promises to transform themselves into a goddamn ubermensch in the coming calendar year. We're all fat, procrastinating assholes on December 31st, and we'll all be fat, procrastinating assholes by January 17th, but in those intervening days, it's socially acceptable to undergo the sort of abrupt personality change that would ordinarily qualify you for a psychiatric assessment. Everyone knows that you're going to sweat through exactly three sessions with Ricardo the personal trainer before you're too busy eating Doritos to return his calls, but you're still expected to go through the charade of declaring that this will be the year you stop having upper arms the shape and consistency of a swiss roll.

And it's time to cut that shit out.

1

Four Realistic New Year's Resolutions You Should Make This Year

The year 2015 is almost upon us - a phrase that will make me feel incredibly old when I look back on this post in a few years' time - and that means it's time to make the traditional and dreaded New Year's Resolution. Every year, we make vague, nebulous promises to better ourselves, and since we're all shitty in the exact same ways, I can already predict what your New Year's resolutions are going to be. Unless you're the sort of person who starts every morning by snorting a line of protein powder off a barbell, you're going to resolve to lose the small-child-sized lump of blubber you've been carrying around on your stomach, and finally get in shape. If you don't get to work each morning by sliding down a novelty firepole to your desk at a funky tech startup, you're probably going to resolve to spend less time with your face buried in your phone. Every single one of us is a procrastinating shithead, so we're going to resolve to finish the project/masterpiece/Great American Novel we've been working on. And you know what?

It has to stop.

Cut this shit out.

Resolutions are such flimsy promises that it's socially acceptable to pledge yourself to a life of vegan dieting, yoga and sobriety on January 1st, and then spend January 2nd passed out in front of Netflix with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and the sad remains of an entire cheesecake squished into the other. No more. This year, let's make some more interesting resolutions. Creative resolutions. Resolutions we can actually keep. Resolutions like:

0