As you go through this list, keep in mind that these aren't weird little vanity publications cluttering up the dusty corners of Amazon. These are real, actual books that real, actual editors approved and sold to real, actual people.
The first step is to bleach your hair that special shade of 90's blond and steal your dad's old sweater.
Because you never know when someone will nuke the family ranch.
Just in case the first edition didn't quite cut it for you.
The real joke is that these books made the author more money than you'll ever see.
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Apparently there is no audience too small to warrant a book deal.
Finally, a book for the lesbian horse on your Christmas list.
If your poo is telling you things, I think it's time to get the professionals.
If someone walks in on you doing these, just tell them it's a sex thing. Less embarrassing.
The natural sequel to 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands'.
Step One: Float away on a giant door while your love interest freezes to death.
I'm not usually a fan of pseudonyms, but sometimes they're a good idea.
This is wrong for entirely different reasons.
The first and only thing I would force my teenage offspring to read.
Alternate title: How to get checked into a rest home at the age of 52.
People have been making origami sperm since ancient times? Really?
That sounds like a challenge.
How creepy this book is depends entirely on who's holding it.
If I ever had children, I would bring a copy of this to all their therapy appointments.
My dog is too dumb to learn 'sit', I can't see this working out.
Welcome to your new life of fucking Elmer's Glue and cantaloupes.
Keep an eye out for the sequel: Being Ashamed of Hair in Funny Places
So to all of my aspiring author friends out there who are struggling to get published: keep at it. Because apparently, they'll publish just about anything.
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