5 Last Minute Gifts for Everyone You'd Rather Not Shop For

Well, you fucked up again.

You were supposed to have all your Christmas shopping done by now, because it's halfway through goddamn December, and depending on which major holiday you subscribe to, you may have already missed the boat on gift-giving. And even if you do manage to get your butt to the nearest store in time for the holidays, you're quickly going to run into a major problem: you have no idea what to buy. If you were the sort of person who knew what your friends and family liked, you'd have had your shopping done months ago.

Pictured: not you, because your life is spiralling out of control.

But all hope is not lost. Last year, I gave you a whole list of great gift suggestions, but if you're still stumped, consider surprising your family and friends with one of these fine options:



Cookin' With Coolio

If you're standing up and reading this on your phone right now, I'm going to need you to sit down. Brace yourselves, people, because you're about to see the greatest thing to ever grace mankind.

There is a God.

Artis Leon Ivey Jr., whom I absolutely do not blame for going by the name 'Coolio', is best known as the one-hit wonder who gave us 'Gangsta's Paradise', the hottest rap track of 1995. You might be forgiven for thinking that he dropped off the radar for the past two decades because he was busy living in that Gangsta's Paradise. Or because he was in jail. But the truth is even better: the Grammy Award-winning musician who so proudly proclaimed that "I'm the kinda G the little homies wanna be like" has spent the last twenty years perfecting the art of cooking what appears to be Clip-Art bacon and eggs.

I am enraged that it took me this long to learn of this book's existence, because it is the greatest collection of words ever printed on paper, and it should be outselling both the Bible and all the Harry Potter books combined right now. In it, Coolio claims that he got his start as a chef in early childhood, when he used to make soup out of ramen noodles and Windex. He claims his food tastes better than your own mother's nipples, the taste of which he is presumably well acquainted with. The chapters have titles like "Salad-Eatin' Bitches" and "It's Hard Out Here For a Shrimp", and his recipes have names like "Jarez-Make-It-Rain Peanut Butter Cookies". Ralph Macchio is mentioned in the book's index, for reasons I can't even begin to imagine. He encourages cooks to measure out spices in dimebags. I am not making any of this up.

Frankly, this list should be one item long, because everyone in your life needs a copy of this book.

Morph Suit


Buying a piece of clothing for a loved one is a stressful undertaking. You need to make sure that the garment you've picked out will fit all their various lumps and rolls, without being able to have them try it on. You also need to make sure that whatever you pick out is flattering and looks good - that floral muumuu you picked out for your dad might fit him like a glove, but it still makes him look like a six-foot oven mitt.

This holiday season, avoid all the hassle and just buy everyone a garment that's actually designed to look terrible.

Behold.

Wearing a Morph suit is the closest a person can come to saran-wrapping themselves without the risk of asphyxiation. Unless your loved one looks like a stone carving of Apollo, this thing is guaranteed to make them look like a poorly-stuffed neon sausage. It's the only present that says "I want to see more of your love handles, and less of your face". Morph suits are made out of a "mystery blend" of various materials, which are 80% plastic and 20% mockery. 

If nothing else, it'll be the one garment you can guarantee your clothes-loving sister doesn't already have. 

Inflatable Party Sheep


Remember the last time you went to a party? Remember how you were having tons of fun, right up until the moment that you realized there was a shortage of inflatable livestock at the party? Remember how it totally ruined your night?

There's no point in partying if you don't have one of these, really.

I actually don't have the foggiest fucking clue what this thing is for, or why the manufacturers insisted on adding the word 'party' to the name of their product, but it's probably the last party supply your hard-partying friend doesn't have. Just how, exactly, one uses it to enhance the party experience is totally up to them. Maybe you can float it in the punch bowl. Maybe you can stick a wig on it and use it to round out your game of spin the bottle. Maybe you can drag it into the spare bedroom and quietly hump it until it deflates. 

What you're really giving with the party sheep is the gift of endless possibilities. 

A Haunted Doll


Let's face it - everyone has at least one person on their Christmas list that they'd rather not spend money on. Whether it's the ripped-straight-from-a-hack-comedy-movie-mother-in-law who makes you question whether or not you even breathe correctly, to the psychotic younger sibling who once crucified your pet gerbil in service to Satan, we're all saddled with at least one person who, if it weren't for social convention, would be getting a flaming bag of dog shit this Christmas. But since that's out of the question, why not use this holiday system to buy your hated loved one something that will slowly and thoroughly ruin their fucking life?

Whether or not to disclose that the doll is haunted is up to you, but in some cases it's going to be obvious.

Haunted dolls are readily available from a variety of equally reputable sellers on Ebay, usually accompanied by a lengthy plea from the seller that this doll is extra, super-duper haunted and they're living in constant fear and they're desperate, absolutely desperate, for someone to take it off their hands for the meagre price of $80 plus shipping.

There's some variation in these dolls, but for the most part, they're porcelain girl dolls with dead, painted-on eyes and frilly lace dresses, because we as a culture have all agreed that little girls and their associated playthings are mind-bogglingly terrifying. Dolls range in abilities, but you can expect most of them to move about the house by themselves, rearrange small objects, make crying or giggling sounds in the night and terrorize the family pets and children. These things might be one the most costly item on the list, but you really can't put a price on watching your bitch sister gradually lose her grip on reality as a possessed toy constantly rearranges the tupperware when she's not looking.

The Punkle

Some people are impossible to shop for.

Maybe you know the type of person whose constant Ambient-fuelled nights on Amazon means that he or she already owns everything they could ever think to want. Maybe you just know the type of person who takes no joy in material possessions and insists that the only gift they could ever want is your love. Either way, you need to stick to your guns and find some kind of ridiculous, disposable trinket that will bring temporary joy into their lives, because goddammit, that's what friends are for.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Punkle.

It's exactly what it sounds like.

The Punkle is the high note in the orchestra of capitalism; it's the dark, unlit road that we all must walk on our long journey to perfection. In 1723, Adam Smith came forth into the world and drew his first breath, and nearly three centuries later, his legacy lives on in the gleam in the Punkle's eye. The Punkle has no purpose, because it needs no purpose. It has no goals, for it transcends accomplishment. It has no beginning, because it has always been among us. It is the fork in the road to greatness. It is a spoke in the wheel of mankind. 

It's a goddamn rubber pickle with a mohawk and you need to buy it for everyone you know, because you waited until December goddamn 20th to do your Christmas shopping and you're out of options. 

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!