5 Things Men Do When They Are (Way, Way Too) Into You

There are two things I enjoy most in this world: key lime pie, and making fun of horrible advice I find on the internet. And since I'm currently rocking the physique of a butternut squash, the only joy I have left in this world is ripping apart lists of terrible life advice for insecure millennials.

"Someday, my great-great-great grandchildren will be proud to see that my whole squad was on fleek."

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a website called "Millennial Lifestyle", which, despite its name, knows nothing about healthy lifestyles or the seething resentment that all twenty-somethings feel at being called "millennials". Their list-based advice ranges from a toddler's understanding of weight loss ("have you tried eating vegetables?") to your bigoted grandfather's understanding of relationships ("have you tried not threatening his fragile masculinity with your academic and career successes?"). Another Edmonton-based writer masterfully took them down in the Huffington Post, and yet they're still churning out relationship advice that belongs in the back pages of a Farmer's Almanac from 1913. Recently, they tried to let us know what kinds of creepy, creepy things men do when they're into a woman - if you don't want to click through five pages of their clickbait nonsense, the main points will be quoted below.


So ladies, if you're not sure whether that new guy in your life has his eye on you, be sure to look out for these five horrifying telltale signs. Images are mine, because theirs were lame.

Proximity

If you notice your crush is always around, take it as a good sign. Why would someone who doesn’t like you want to be around you all the time? An interested guy will find a way to just show up to see you – at the coffee shop he knows you go to, at the gym, at the pub.

Why stop there? A truly interested guy will show up at the grocery store. At the dentist. At your workplace. At your school. At your great-Aunt's funeral in northern Maine. When you go to the laundromat, he'll be there, thoughtfully returning the pair of panties you "forgot" last Tuesday. When you're home by yourself, he'll be there, squatting behind your shower curtain to hear what it sounds like when you pee. When you wake up bound and gagged in the trunk of an unfamiliar car, you can bet that he'll be there, behind the wheel, blasting Adele's "Someone Like You" as he sobs and calls his dead mother a whore. Because that's apparently how men express their interest. Not by spending time with you, or asking you questions about yourself, or checking out your hobbies, but by passively showing up uninvited wherever you are and lurking silently in the background. And you thought romance was dead.

Oh, and you know that octogenarian who lives in the apartment next door? Have you ever noticed how often you run into him in the hallway, the elevator, the mailbox, and the local grocery store? That's no coincidence. I mean, you'd think it would be, because that's kind of how living next door to someone works, but Millennial Lifestyle has no time for nuance. If you're running into him that often, he's so hot for you that his pacemaker might explode.

 Eye Contact

Generally, people look at what interests them. So pay attention. If a guy makes eye contact with you and it lasts more than two seconds it means he likes what he sees. A man who is not interested will only make brief contact, if any. 

Alright, ladies and gents, time to invest in a trusty stopwatch, because you're about to secure a date the same way you would face down an angry bear - with steady, unbroken eye contact. This, of course, explains when men are rendered incapable of love if they go blind, or if their contact lenses are itchy. The reason he's staring at you is irrelevant - there is no distinction between 'you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen' and 'wow, that is a lot of spinach you have caught in your teeth'.

The best test of a man's love is to get into a car with him. If he insists on keeping his eyes on the road instead of looking at you, then you'll know for sure that he finds you repulsive, and you can leap from the moving vehicle at the first possible opportunity. But if he goes careening down the highway at 90 miles an hour with his eyes fixed steadily on you, then you can die feeling loved when the two of you smash headlong into a lamppost.

Mirroring

Sometimes a guy is so into a girl that he mirrors her moves. Many dating sites suggest having a guy copy your moves is an effective way to tell he is flattered by you. It is usually done unconsciously but don’t worry, it’s a good thing.

You can tell that this is good advice, because an unidentified smattering of "many dating websites" confirm it. Whether those dating websites involve eHarmony, Christian Mingle or BronyMate is irrelevant; every single website designed to help strangers rub their genitals together is a trusted source of cutting-edge behavioral science, and must be obeyed.

I also like that the writer/imprisoned Pakistani schoolchild who wrote this goes out of their way to tell you not to worry. If you put your hand up to block that creepy dude from getting any closer to you, and he responds by reaching out to grab you, don't worry! He's just mirroring your movements. It's a good thing!

Questions

A guy who finds a girl attractive will ask questions – about your job, your hobbies, your family. He will compliment your hair, clothing, smile and will tell you certain things such as a song or a book remind him of you. He will find random excuses to text you (and not at 2 a.m. when he’s had too much to drink).

Remember, ladies, men find it so tedious to speak to women like they're people that if a man takes even the slightest interest in your life, it means he wants to ride you into the sunset like a Shetland pony. Whether he's saying "How's the new job?", "How long have you played the guitar?" or "How have you been getting on since your mother died?", what he really wants to know is "How's about you hop right on this dick?". Similarly, when he compares you to the musical stylings of Buck Cherry's "Crazy Bitch", or tells you that your sparkling personality reminds him of Steven Spielberg's classic "Schindler's List", your only response should be the sound of your panties hitting the floor.

And above all, keep in mind that speaking to you, even via text message, is a taxing chore, and any man who is willing to endure that while sober is the Prince Charming you've been waiting for. When your male classmate texts you to ask you for your notes from next Tuesday, that's your cue to start thinking about what the two of you will name your children.

Party Time

A man who wants to be with a woman will do almost anything to be around her. He will show up to whatever you invite him to and will never leave a party before you do. 

For starters, it's worth noting that that first sentence seems to be suggesting that men want to be with women who will do anything to be around themselves. Also, this list is only five items long, and items 1 and 5 are both "go places and see if he turns up". The next time you hire a Chinese spambot to write your articles, Millennial Lifestyle, you might want to spend a few extra dollars to get one that speaks English.

Having the same guy turn up at every party you invite him to could mean that he likes you. Or it could mean that he just likes parties. Or that he has a crippling social phobia of being rude. Or that you live in a painfully small town with literally nothing else to do. Or that you're fifteen years old and he's that twenty-four-year-old who just can't quite let go of his glory days. Whatever the case, your only real option is to trap him in the linen closet for seven minutes of heaven, because he's clearly your soulmate, and that's about as long as that sad twenty-four-year-old is going to last anyway.

What other terrible dating advice have you found on the Internet? Skewer it in the comment section.