Over-Analyzing "The Purge": 4 Reasons Why the Purge is Even More Terrible Than You Think

At this point, we can all pretty much agree that 2016 has been one shit-laden clusterfuck of a year. And in honour of that shit-laden clusterfuck, I recently watched the only movie that really sums up the feel of current events: The Purge: Election Year. 

Like it or not, this is pretty much the most quintessentially American thing I've ever seen.

As I write this article, America is staring down the barrel of the first presidential candidate in history who thinks the Purge is a documentary and still can't quite wrap his head around the fact that other people have feelings. Americans everywhere are living in fear that they'll be called on to hunt the Most Dangerous Game come next March, and hey, they may have a point. But before you enroll your children in sniper training and start shopping around for the best deal on blast doors, let's take a moment to think about what the Purge would actually look like. For starters:

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10 Things Idiots Wish Women Knew About Dating

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Announcing the Six Finest Candidates for the Supreme Court of the United States

If you weren't in a coma on February 13th, 2016, and you occasionally leave the TV news playing in the background, you were probably surprised to hear about the death of Supreme Court judge and political dinosaur Antonin Scalia.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Justice Scalia's sudden death is obviously a huge tragedy for his family and friends, but it's also a pretty huge deal for the rest of the USA. The Supreme Court doesn't just exist to keep DC's robe dry cleaners in business; at any time, the Supreme Court has the power to strike down, uphold, or change the application of laws based on how they interpret the constitution. We're talking about a document that was drafted at a time when people set whale flesh on fire to read at night and treated public executions as fun family outings, but 200 years from now, when America is trying to decide how to legislate people uploading their brains onto computers and transcending the physical world, they'll deal with it by asking nine random lawyers what a bunch of dead 18th century politicians would have wanted. And that's why it's crucial that Scalia gets replaced with someone the USA can count on.

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23 Things You're Too Old for Now That You're 23

Recently, an old VICE article popped up on my Facebook newsfeed, loudly proclaiming all the things that the author believes people are far too old for once they blow out the candles on their 25th birthday. If you're too lazy to read the article, or if you're adverse to VICE's "how hard can we appeal to that sweet, sweet, 20-something-year-old-college-kid demographic" brand of journalism, the article basically says that once you've hit that quarter-century mark, you're too old for fun, friends, fast food, and any recreational activity that isn't enjoying a carefully portioned bowl of Bran Buds while watching a reasonable political debate.

And the comments went crazy.

This is life after 25, apparently. Deal with it.

Outraged people over the age of 25 took to the comments section with their torches and pitchforks out, loudly proclaiming that the author was a humourless old fart, and that they themselves were still armpit-deep in cocaine and lengthy text messages, thank you very much. So while the original author of the VICE article plans to live out the rest of his 20s parked on a rocking chair with shotgun in hand, waiting for children to venture onto his lawn, I've decided to write my own list of things that my peers and I are far too old for, now that we're 23.

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Over-Analyzing "Jurassic World": Next Time, Go to Disneyland

I recently went to see a newly-released Jurassic Park movie, because apparently we've all gone back in time to the year 1996 without realizing it.

This movie. I saw this movie.

If you've been on the Internet or spoken to other human beings lately, you've probably heard that the newest installment of the Jurassic-But-Actually-Mostly-Cretaceous Park franchise earned decidedly mixed reviews. Critics praised the stunning CGI and special effects, while panning the movie's feeble attempts at minor things like 'having a storyline' and 'being scientifically accurate' and 'being even slightly plausible'. It's the kind of summer blockbuster movie that's a lot of fun if you shut your brain off and don't think too hard about it.

Thinking too hard about things is what I do best.

So buckle up, and take a look at these four reasons why, story-wise, Jurassic World is a movie that deserves to go extinct. 

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Danielle Steel Takes the Greatest Author Photos of All Time

Let's talk about Danielle Steel.

This lady, right here.

For those of you who aren't rich, 50-something women, Danielle Steel is the bestselling author of approximately four thousand books about wealthy families blackmailing each other and going to jail over money. Everything she has ever written has turned into a bestseller, her books have been translated into virtually every remaining language on Earth, and she spends so much time perched on talk show couches that she has Oprah Winfrey on speed dial. She's the bestselling author currently breathing air, the fourth bestselling author in human history, and her real-life biography sounds more like a work of fiction than anything she's ever written. Fans praise her for her style, her stories, and her ability to put out new novels at a pace that suggests she's actually a team of enslaved writers living underneath Danielle Steel's kitchen floor. 

But what we should really be praising her for are her author photos. 

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Why "The Breakfast Club" is a Terrible Source of Love Advice

Okay, I have to begin this post with an important note: I fucking love The Breakfast Club. I watched it for the first time when I was in the eighth grade, and nine years later, it's still my favourite movie of all time. There aren't very many people I've liked for nine years, let alone movies.

But holy shit, does this movie ever have a fucked-up view of how love works.

No, I know for a fact that you don't.

The movie tells the story of what happens when five teenagers from five different cartoonishly 80's high school cliques end up trapped in the library together for Saturday detention. The five of them are tasked with writing an essay that explains just who they think they are - an assignment that sounds more like something a street gang would give to initiates than a high school principal would give to five clearly disturbed teenagers - and the kids spend the day doing absolutely everything but writing their essays. Despite the movie's assertions that classifying people by cheap labels is wrong, no one but me and the movie's cast actually remembers the kids' names - they're just called the Princess, the Athlete, the Brain, the Basket Case, and the Criminal, labels that make me resent my own high school for not having more creative social cliques.

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Over-Analyzing "As Above, So Below": How Not to Conduct Archeological Research

I love bad horror movies.

As I previously mentioned on this blog, I don't ask a lot of my horror movies. If I can walk out of a theatre with half a clue about what I just saw and why everybody is dead, I'm more or less satisfied. Demons with only a tenuous grounding in any kind of backstory? Eh, sure. Ghosts that haunt specific locations miraculously travelling halfway around the world? Yeah, why not? Supernatural beings who spend inordinate amounts of time racking up the family's utility bill before causing any kind of real harm? Fuck it, fine. But what I can't tolerate are horror movies that amount to little more than a long chain of plot holes, jump scares and screaming.

I'm looking at you, Oculus.

So I had high hopes for As Above, So Below. Unlike the last, say, 487 found footage horror movies I've seen, this one wasn't about a nebulously evil supernatural presence terrorizing a family. No, this one was about a team of naive anthropologists/sketchy French treasure hunters discovering a horrifying secret in the catacombs beneath Paris. It had everything it needed to be great - a unique setting, a fuckload of human remains, and a legitimate reason for the entire movie to be filmed in the dark. There was no way they could fuck this up.

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Three Romantic Gestures from the Movies That Will Tell Your Lover You're a Sociopath

Before I get started, let's get something straight: taking any kind of romantic advice from me is not a good idea. Asking me for help with your love life is like screaming financial questions at the dead salmon in your refrigerator. Everyone around you can see that you're making a huge mistake, and any good that comes from it is probably all in your head.

Me, pursuing a mate in the wild.

With that said, I'm still a better source of advice than the average romantic comedy. Before you try to replicate something you see on the big screen, be aware that the following shows should only be imitated by sociopaths.

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Over-Analyzing Lucy: Why This Movie is a Crime Against Science, Sense and Filmmaking

I watch a lot of dumb movies.

As regular readers already know.

I can tolerate a lot of stupidity in my movies. As long as they can keep my attention for 90+ minutes and leave me with a general understanding of what I just saw, I'm pretty much good. I can forgive a lot of things. I can forgive Apocalypto for its laughable misrepresentation of history. I can forgive Dracula Untold for its portrayal of one of Europe's most brutal rulers as a loving family man. I can forgive The Pirates of the Caribbean for its slow descent into a plot hole-riddled parody of itself. 

But some movies are just too stupid to forgive. 

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Over-Analyzing "Black Widow": Why You Should Never Order a Sandwich From Iggy Azalea

I watched a music video the other day.

This music video, to be exact. 

Despite my valiant attempts to sequester myself in a musical cocoon of early-2000s pop punk and my dad's old Cat Stevens albums, I sometimes hear contemporary pop songs in my day-to-day life. And since pop songs are the neurological equivalent of crack cocaine, sometimes those songs bounce around in my frontal lobes for a while until I cave in and look them up on YouTube.

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The 10 Fanciest Mustaches in Literature

This week, I'm that special combination of overheated and busy that leads to short blog posts. 

But at least there are ten fine-ass mustaches to stare at. 

10. Charles Dickens

You might say that I had some 'Great Expectations' for this writer's mustache.

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Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall, Who's Most Prolific of Them All?

So a little while ago, I came across this article. For those of you who have a pathological fear of hotlinks, the article discusses the fact that the Game of Thrones producers are going to have to start pulling wacky Hodor adventures out of their collective butts to keep the show running, because they are about to run out of book. The show's fifth season will encompass both the fourth and fifth novels - because the fourth book is completely filled with brand new identical white guys to memorize, and the fifth book takes place concurrently - with the sixth novel not expected to come out in time for the filming of season six. This means the writers are going to have to take the few things they've been told about the series ending and magic up ten episodes.

Spoiler Alert: Winter isn't the only thing that's going to come.

Of course, George R R. Martin's notoriously slow writing isn't news; in an interview I sat in on with Lena Headey and Peter Dinklage, the Lannister actors mentioned that the author has been all but banned from the set, because the time he spent there was hindering the already-glacial progress on his books. Just how slow does George Raymond Richard Martin write? Somewhere between 240 and 356 words per day, using a metric that the article's author Walt Hickey calls 'final words written per day'.

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Overanalyzing The Hunger Games: Three Things That Should Have Made it into the Movie

Before I go any further, let me say one non-snarky thing: Suzanne Collins, author of The Hunger Games, is a seriously cool lady.

Yeah, she knows she's rocking it.

If you watched the Hunger Games movies and noticed that they weren't desecrated, weeping, bodice-ripping, zombie-riddled shadows of their book selves, you have Suzanne Collins to thank for that. Unlike most authors, who step aside once the ink on their movies deals has dried to stand in a corner with their hands over their ears screaming "STOP RUINING MY MASTERPIECE OH GOD", Suzanne Collins has had an incredible amount of influence on the movie adaptations of her books.

Because she wrote them.

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Overanalyzing Game of Thrones: Why I'm Not Celebrating the Purple Wedding

A few weeks ago, something happened on Game of Thrones.

Even if you haven't seen it, you know somebody died.

Since people who freely post Game of Thrones spoilers deserve to languish in the lower circles of hell normally reserved for those people who post Facebook updates about their bowel movements and scream at innocent cashiers to feel alive, I'm giving you fair warning. If you haven't seen Game of Thrones season 4, eipsode 2, there be spoilers ahead.

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5 Reasons Why Dragon Age: Origins is Still the Best Fantasy Game of All Time

I play a lot of video games. Seriously. It hinges on a pathological condition at this point. But in all the time I've spent glued to a keyboard or console, I've yet to find a video game that can hold a candle to Bioware's Dragon Age: Origins.

Spoilers ahead. Although seriously, people, it came out in 2009.

Unfair bias of living near Bioware's Edmonton headquarters aside, I've never found a game that can match Dragon Age: Origins, not in the entire five years since its release. Don't go thinking I'm some hopeless fangirl with life-sized effigies of Morrigan resting on my Bioware shrine, either; there are five very good reasons why this is still the best fantasy game you'll ever play.

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Overanalyzing Oculus: How to Survive a Haunted Mirror

I recently went to see the new "haunted mirrors killed my family" horror film, Oculus.

If you care about the outcome of mediocre horror movies, turn back now.

Now, let's get something straight here. I don't go into horror movies expecting to be blown away by their rich plots and subtle character development. I'm really just in it to watch unknown blonde actresses get startled by no-budget ghosts with hastily shat-out flimsy backstories. If I can make it to the end of the movie with at least a general idea of what's going on and why everyone is dead, I'm pretty much content. 

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How I Accidentally Met C3PO: A Magical Comic Con Adventure

Every year, I attend the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo in Calgary, Alberta.

This. I attend this. 

For those of you who aren't familiar with the event, the Calgary Comic Con is a sweaty, writhing, costumed festival of panels, bootleg Walking Dead merchandise, celebrity geek royalty, unknown comic artists and tens of thousands of starry-eyed and socially graceless nerds flocking to Calgary's BMO centre like they're making a religious pilgrimage in a spandex Batman costume. In other words, it's pretty much the closest you can get to heaven. 

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21 More of the Strangest Books I've Ever Seen

A few weeks ago, I didn't have the time to write a proper post with actual words, and so I put together a collection of some of the craziest books I ever came across in my three years as a library employee. You lot rewarded me by making it my most popular post ever. This week, I've got far too many exams to write a real post, and since I'm not one to argue with operant conditioning, this week I present to you 21 more of the strangest books I've ever seen.

As you go through this list, keep in mind that these aren't weird little vanity publications cluttering up the dusty corners of Amazon. These are real, actual books that real, actual editors approved and sold to real, actual people.

The first step is to bleach your hair that special shade of 90's blond and steal your dad's old sweater.

 Because you never know when someone will nuke the family ranch.

Just in case the first edition didn't quite cut it for you.

The real joke is that these books made the author more money than you'll ever see.

Apparently there is no audience too small to warrant a book deal.

Finally, a book for the lesbian horse on your Christmas list.

If your poo is telling you things, I think it's time to get the professionals.

If someone walks in on you doing these, just tell them it's a sex thing. Less embarrassing.

The natural sequel to 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands'.

Step One: Float away on a giant door while your love interest freezes to death.

I'm not usually a fan of pseudonyms, but sometimes they're a good idea.

This is wrong for entirely different reasons.

The first and only thing I would force my teenage offspring to read.

Alternate title: How to get checked into a rest home at the age of 52.

People have been making origami sperm since ancient times? Really?

That sounds like a challenge.

How creepy this book is depends entirely on who's holding it.

If I ever had children, I would bring a copy of this to all their therapy appointments.

My dog is too dumb to learn 'sit', I can't see this working out.

Welcome to your new life of fucking Elmer's Glue and cantaloupes.

Keep an eye out for the sequel: Being Ashamed of Hair in Funny Places

So to all of my aspiring author friends out there who are struggling to get published: keep at it. Because apparently, they'll publish just about anything. 

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29 of the Strangest Books I've Ever Seen

I spent several years working in a library. I was employed as a general service page, a position which mostly consists of putting books away, hauling books around, and changing the subject when patrons ask you if the library passed its last bed bug inspection.

If you people would stop sleeping with the Catcher in the Rye under your pillow, we wouldn't have this problem.

But when I wasn't sorting books and dancing nervously around the subject of basic hygiene, I spent a lot of time browsing the books that came through the library. Most of them were your average, everyday library materials - novels, kids' books, cookbooks, boatloads of old-lady porn, etc. But every now and then, something special caught my eye, and luckily, I had the good sense to photograph it. Because I don't think anyone would have believed me if I'd told them about these books.

Look, children! Everything you love can get cancer!

So, did he survive after all... or did he get sent to Hell?

There are a lot of important theological questions out there, but this one is the real biggie.

"Yes, boys, it was the chocolate pudding that drove your mother and I to divorce. May the guilt haunt you for the rest of your days."

Don't you hate it when you can't go out and pick your nose with your friends because you've developed polka dots?

No, your sister ruptured the internal organs of an ape.

Jesus, Arthur, you're like 10 years old. No more MTV for you.

Careful, Gramps, if those shorts were any shorter, we'd all see your banana.

Don't forget to take them on regular walks.

Paper bags were not optional.

There are 5,416 known species of mammal. You chose this one.

Rejected title: How to be a Bad Parent Before Your Child is Even Born

For kids who can't sit through Harry Potter without any poop jokes.

"Instead of a title, how about we just throw on some provocative words and call it a day?"

Comes with a free set of nightmares!

Finally, you can figure out what to do with all those elk corpses piled up in your living room!

Every chapter begins and ends with "chloroform".

Physicists, however, are dirty apes, and we should keep them in zoos.

Fun fact! LSD kills elephants immediately! Okay, maybe not so fun.

Who needs medical attention when you can have reassuring children's picture books?

And here I thought they really valued my precious hold time.

If your baby has laser vision, your panic is 100% justified.

It's worth noting that the library I worked at insists on shelving these in with the children's art books.

My guess would be... to not die?

Or maybe this is what dying people want. Afterlife pets.

Domestic violence isn't funny. The fish's apparent joy at shattering a tacky seashell, however, is.

You and every teenage boy on the planet.

Because... even cookies need love?

Nothing says "happy fun bedtime story" like "5 years in prison for aggravated sexual assault".

What other crazy books have you spotted at your local library? Let me know in the comments!

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