What to Buy for the Person Who Really, Seriously Has Everything

If you're of a Westernized, semi-Christian persuasion, the entire month of December revolves around one thing: university final exams. Oh, and also Christmas. Regardless of how rarely you show your sinning, heathen face in some sort of church, you probably recognize and look forward to this re-purposed Anglo-Saxon midwinter feast day/celebration of the birth of a religious figure who was born in the summer.

What's better than giving birth in a random barn? Giving birth in a random barn in sweltering heat, of course!

Of course, in the modern Western world, no amount of Jesus is enough to supersede the boundless joys of commercialism, and one of the biggest dilemmas any Christmas-observing individual goes through each year is the question of which presents to bequeath to family and friends. Between Groupon, Amazon and Steam sales, everyone already has everything they could ever possibly want; what are you supposed to buy for gifts? Chocolates aren't on the prehistoric raw-and-slimy vegan diets that everyone will start on New Year's Day. Clothing is impossible to buy for someone unless you know exactly how many gut-sucking, space-age girdles they need to squeeze into their current wardrobes. Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving, but it's notoriously hard to gift-wrap.

Or is it?

If you're having a tough time shopping for that picky, spoiled someone in your life, take a look at these appealing options. You'll have to Google links to retailers for yourself, because I have no idea where you live and dammit, no one is paying me any advertising dollars for this. 

Novelty Ice Cube Trays

If there's one thing that all of the rich, poor, middle-class, male, female, elderly, young, paraplegic, ambidextrous, savant and psychic people on your Christmas list have in common, it's that they all use frozen chunks of water to cool down their beverages and numb their various bar brawl wounds. Now, any idiot can fill up a normal ice cube tray, but why make your loved ones suffer through life with regular, cubed ice? This Christmas, baffle your friends and all of their future party guests with the literally endless possibilities of novelty ice shapes.

For the former White Star Line employee in your life.

These aren't just a gag gift for holiday office parties, either - producers of these fine ice molds are more than happy to cater to that certain special someone in your life. 

Ice engagement rings: as cheap, cold and temporary as your eventual marriage.

If silly gifts aren't your forte, don't worry - there are plenty of practical alternatives to standard ice cubes. You can find ice trays for frozen stir sticks, ice rods for water bottles, and even icy corks for chilled wine.

Waiting on an inheritance from an alcoholic relative? Novelty ice trays are there to speed the process along.

The only thing your giftee will need to make these work is a freezer, access to semi-potable water and the patience to painstakingly pop these things out without shattering them. Alternatively, those of us in Canada can just fill them up and stick them outside for a minute or two.

Beard Oil

Ladies, are you tired of running your fingers through the clump of steel wool your man sheepishly calls his beard? Gentlemen, do you look on with pity at the puny scrabbles of scruff sported by male friends and family? Is anyone out there shopping for a female bearded circus freak who's struggling to make it in an image-conscious world? Never fear - I know just the gift for you! Behold:

Made from a combination of mysterious tree oils and the essence of pure manliness, Beard Oil hydrates flaky, shampoo-ravaged under-beard skin and conditions beard hair until it no longer looks like your loved one has pubic hair glued to their face. It can be purchased from homemade vendors jockeying in the wilds of Etsy, or from forward-thinking retailers and mustache allies in your area. Best of all, each application only takes a few drops, which means that the aspiring Gandalf on your Christmas list can make your gift last all the way until next year, when you can surprise them with a new and exciting variety of facial grease. 

Obscenely Gigantic Candy

"The gift that keeps on giving" was originally coined to refer to the phonograph - because apparently that made sense in 1924 - but I think it much more accurately describes these gifts that will absolutely give you Type II Diabetes. In the ultimate testament to Western excess, candy manufacturers have begun pumping out confections that are actually larger than the children who were originally meant to enjoy them. 

Give your friends and family the gift of not being able to make eye contact with you while you eat this.

Remember those palm-sized swirl lollipops that every candy store has in the window? Those are, pardon the pun, child's play. No candy is off-limits; if it's made of sugar, someone has made a donkey-sized version with more calories than the combined contents of your pantry. Send your favourite sweet-tooth into hyperglycemic shock when you surprise them with a Fuzzy Peach the size of their soon-to-be-enlarged heart.

Some rare honesty in advertising.

Plus, if you've got any mythological ogres on your shopping list, you're basically all set.

Wine Bottle Outfits

Christmas family gatherings are not the time to be naked (especially with my family), so why should your wine have to go without clothes? That might sound like the thought process of an unmedicated schizophrenic, but apparently it rings true for enough people that it's led to the blossoming of a new industry. A very sad and sort of creepy industry.

For the friend who's pretentious enough to dress up his wine, but down-to-earth enough to appreciate practical, working-class clothes.

And don't worry if gimmicky costumes are too tacky for you. Thanks to the drunken shoemaker elves who apparently churn these out while the sane people in the world are asleep, your wine can don any sort of style you please, including the scrubs you'll be wearing when someone finally gets around to institutionalizing you, you fucking wine-dressing lunatic. And yes, we as a society have finally reached a point where we're ready and willing to sexualize glass beverage containers.

"Hey. My neck is up here."

Do wine clothes have any real effect on temperature or oxidization? Probably not. But if you swish it in your mouth just right, you can really taste that added self-esteem. And heaven forbid you be a social pariah with naked wine.

Yodeling Pickle

It's a plastic pickle that yodels when you push a button. Need I say more?

Exactly what it says on the tin.

What's the most creative thing you've ever given or received? Leave it in the comments!