Four New Year's Resolutions You Might Actually Keep in 2016

Well, it's that time of year again, and this time we're staring down the barrel of the year 2016. To all of you future space-people reading this thousands of years from now, yes, we do have hoverboards in 2015 and they are exceptionally stupid.

Also, they don't even hover.

The start of the New Year is traditionally the time of year when everyone is expected to make meaningless, empty promises to transform themselves into a goddamn ubermensch in the coming calendar year. We're all fat, procrastinating assholes on December 31st, and we'll all be fat, procrastinating assholes by January 17th, but in those intervening days, it's socially acceptable to undergo the sort of abrupt personality change that would ordinarily qualify you for a psychiatric assessment. Everyone knows that you're going to sweat through exactly three sessions with Ricardo the personal trainer before you're too busy eating Doritos to return his calls, but you're still expected to go through the charade of declaring that this will be the year you stop having upper arms the shape and consistency of a swiss roll.

And it's time to cut that shit out.

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5 Last Minute Gifts for Everyone You'd Rather Not Shop For

Well, you fucked up again.

You were supposed to have all your Christmas shopping done by now, because it's halfway through goddamn December, and depending on which major holiday you subscribe to, you may have already missed the boat on gift-giving. And even if you do manage to get your butt to the nearest store in time for the holidays, you're quickly going to run into a major problem: you have no idea what to buy. If you were the sort of person who knew what your friends and family liked, you'd have had your shopping done months ago.

Pictured: not you, because your life is spiralling out of control.

But all hope is not lost. Last year, I gave you a whole list of great gift suggestions, but if you're still stumped, consider surprising your family and friends with one of these fine options:

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23 Things You're Too Old for Now That You're 23

Recently, an old VICE article popped up on my Facebook newsfeed, loudly proclaiming all the things that the author believes people are far too old for once they blow out the candles on their 25th birthday. If you're too lazy to read the article, or if you're adverse to VICE's "how hard can we appeal to that sweet, sweet, 20-something-year-old-college-kid demographic" brand of journalism, the article basically says that once you've hit that quarter-century mark, you're too old for fun, friends, fast food, and any recreational activity that isn't enjoying a carefully portioned bowl of Bran Buds while watching a reasonable political debate.

And the comments went crazy.

This is life after 25, apparently. Deal with it.

Outraged people over the age of 25 took to the comments section with their torches and pitchforks out, loudly proclaiming that the author was a humourless old fart, and that they themselves were still armpit-deep in cocaine and lengthy text messages, thank you very much. So while the original author of the VICE article plans to live out the rest of his 20s parked on a rocking chair with shotgun in hand, waiting for children to venture onto his lawn, I've decided to write my own list of things that my peers and I are far too old for, now that we're 23.

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