My First Cracked Article! (I'm a Real Writer Now!)

A few weeks ago, I made a pretty exciting announcement on this blog - I had just had an article accepted by the massive online humor giant Cracked.com. Weeks later, after the editors have had time to polish it and come to terms with their decision to accept it, it's finally live on the site!

All you have to do is CLICK HERE to check it out. If you're curious, the topic is "5 Historical Figures More Terrifying Than Any Horror Villain".

What did this guy do? You're going to have the read the article to find out.

Thanks to everyone for their messages of congratulations! If you have any questions about writing for Cracked, or what the whole process looks like from my side, you could probably just find out by going to their website. Or you could ask me about it in the comments! Happy reading!

0

10 Things I'd Rather Be Doing Than Studying for Midterms

Despite having grace and wit well beyond my years, I am, in fact, a student, and since midterms are already upon me, I regret to announce that I will have to spend the next two weeks of my life studying instead of bringing more laughter and sarcasm to the world. While you pine for me in my absence, just remember that I'd rather be doing almost anything but studying for these midterms. And when I say anything, I mean I would rather:

1. Pet a fish.

Okay, full disclosure time: I am terrified of fish.

I will fervently deny this to any of my readers who know me in person, but I have had an irrational fear of fish for as long as I can remember. They freak me out. There's just something about their blank eyes and gills and the creepy way they move that fills me with a creeping horror I can't even begin to articulate. I have, on more than one occasion, woken up in a cold sweat from a nightmare that consisted of nothing more than fish being in my general proximity. If you've ever wanted to know what it looks like when someone has a fight-or-flight reaction to a lungless organism that doesn't even have legs, take a look at this video:

Whose idea was it to take me to a goddamn fish museum?

I am of the wholehearted opinion that fish should evolve the ability to transport themselves into space and fly off into the stratosphere forever, environmental impact on the planet be damned, but I'm not too hopeful of that happening in the near future. I would, however, be willing to rub my hand along a fish's scaly back of nightmares if it got me out of my midterms. Their blank, staring faces might be horrifying, but not nearly as horrifying as a blank ScanTron and a scowling exam proctor. 

1

The Six Types of Professor You Will Have in University

Let's face it. Even if you enrolled in university purely to experience the joys of vomiting up tequila and sharing a cinderblock dorm room with a complete stranger, you have to go to class eventually. And once in class, you'll meet the fabled professor: the mythical, doctorate-wielding creature whose opinion of you will directly impact your grades and how eager your parents are to shell out for tuition next year. In fact, you're going to have all sorts of professors before you graduate/gracelessly flunk out of university. I can guarantee that these six will be among them.

The Foreign Import

On the international stage, this professor is nothing less than an academic deity. People erect statues of her in the streets, balladeers follow her from place to place to sing her praises, and she may or may not have a national holiday in her honour. If you don't go to a school that craps out Nobel prize winners the way other schools crap out mediocre poetry majors, you can rest assured that your university had to literally grovel to get this professor to even consider teaching at your school. While most professors are compensated with plain old money, this professor's contract probably stipulates that she be paid in unicorns, luxury boats and high-class prostitutes. Any student would be overcome with gratitude to be allowed to take classes with her... at least, they would, if she was still in her home country.

And now she's in a place where they can't even find her home country on a map.

Unfortunately for the Foreign Import, she's now living in the United States/Canada/England/Australia/Ungrateful English Speaking Country of Your Choice, and her new students couldn't give less of a shit that they're taking courses with a living national treasure. All they know is that their teacher has an accent and limited sympathy for their whiny, first-world bullshit. Expect to spend the semester watching your increasingly desperate professor weep bitterly into apathetic, half-assed papers while your classmates leave scathing reviews on her Rate My Prof page.

0

Over-Analyzing Lucy: Why This Movie is a Crime Against Science, Sense and Filmmaking

I watch a lot of dumb movies.

As regular readers already know.

I can tolerate a lot of stupidity in my movies. As long as they can keep my attention for 90+ minutes and leave me with a general understanding of what I just saw, I'm pretty much good. I can forgive a lot of things. I can forgive Apocalypto for its laughable misrepresentation of history. I can forgive Dracula Untold for its portrayal of one of Europe's most brutal rulers as a loving family man. I can forgive The Pirates of the Caribbean for its slow descent into a plot hole-riddled parody of itself. 

But some movies are just too stupid to forgive. 

0