29 of the Strangest Books I've Ever Seen

I spent several years working in a library. I was employed as a general service page, a position which mostly consists of putting books away, hauling books around, and changing the subject when patrons ask you if the library passed its last bed bug inspection.

If you people would stop sleeping with the Catcher in the Rye under your pillow, we wouldn't have this problem.

But when I wasn't sorting books and dancing nervously around the subject of basic hygiene, I spent a lot of time browsing the books that came through the library. Most of them were your average, everyday library materials - novels, kids' books, cookbooks, boatloads of old-lady porn, etc. But every now and then, something special caught my eye, and luckily, I had the good sense to photograph it. Because I don't think anyone would have believed me if I'd told them about these books.

Look, children! Everything you love can get cancer!

So, did he survive after all... or did he get sent to Hell?

There are a lot of important theological questions out there, but this one is the real biggie.

"Yes, boys, it was the chocolate pudding that drove your mother and I to divorce. May the guilt haunt you for the rest of your days."

Don't you hate it when you can't go out and pick your nose with your friends because you've developed polka dots?

No, your sister ruptured the internal organs of an ape.

Jesus, Arthur, you're like 10 years old. No more MTV for you.

Careful, Gramps, if those shorts were any shorter, we'd all see your banana.

Don't forget to take them on regular walks.

Paper bags were not optional.

There are 5,416 known species of mammal. You chose this one.

Rejected title: How to be a Bad Parent Before Your Child is Even Born

For kids who can't sit through Harry Potter without any poop jokes.

"Instead of a title, how about we just throw on some provocative words and call it a day?"

Comes with a free set of nightmares!

Finally, you can figure out what to do with all those elk corpses piled up in your living room!

Every chapter begins and ends with "chloroform".

Physicists, however, are dirty apes, and we should keep them in zoos.

Fun fact! LSD kills elephants immediately! Okay, maybe not so fun.

Who needs medical attention when you can have reassuring children's picture books?

And here I thought they really valued my precious hold time.

If your baby has laser vision, your panic is 100% justified.

It's worth noting that the library I worked at insists on shelving these in with the children's art books.

My guess would be... to not die?

Or maybe this is what dying people want. Afterlife pets.

Domestic violence isn't funny. The fish's apparent joy at shattering a tacky seashell, however, is.

You and every teenage boy on the planet.

Because... even cookies need love?

Nothing says "happy fun bedtime story" like "5 years in prison for aggravated sexual assault".

What other crazy books have you spotted at your local library? Let me know in the comments!